One if by land, two if by oh
by ThisbeHecate
Summary: Harry, Ron and Hermione are in detention, but they aren't alone. Who's with them? Thirteenth in the Potions Homework Series.


A/N: I am so sick of being poor. Any rich people wanna adopt a poor but funny fanfic author?? No? Dang. I own _nothing_... _still_.

* * *

"Uh." Was all Ron could say.

But really, that just about summed the situation up pretty well anyway.

"Harry..." Was Hermione's attempt at speech. After another pause, she attempted again. "Harry, what ju- what the heck just happened?!"

"Language, Miss Granger." Came from Professor Flitwick who was seated not far from the trio.

"Well." Harry actually struggled to make sense out of what had transpired that day. "I'm not completely sure."

From the other side of him, a snort came from Professor McGonagall, and Professor Dumbledore cleared his throat, but the professors did not speak, so Harry continued.

"Well, Hermione, I believe Professor Snape put us, you, me and Ron in detention."

"I figured that out, thanks." Was Hermione's icy reply.

"Then," Harry continued, ignoring her tone. "If this is not some sort of messed up dream, I think..."

Here, Harry paused again, glancing from teacher to teacher, each avoiding his glance.

"Then, I think, Snape put them," he said, pointing at each in turn. "In detention with us..."

"But..." Hermione said with a note of hysterics in her voice. "Why?"

* * *

"Harry!" Hermione called out, trying to get his attention before Hedwig collided with his head. Alas, he wasn't paying attention.

There was a muffled ~ppft~ sound as Hedwig slammed into the side of his head. Harry's glasses and white feathers went flying every which way. She was accustomed to him allowing her purchase on the table between him and Ginny, but he was too busy to watch for her. She was more than a little peeved at him now. After he removed the letter, and he attempted to apologize, she ate his bacon, and snapped his fingers much too hard, actually drawing blood, and smacked him with her wings on her way back out of the great hall.

All thoughts about Hedwig and his finger were shoved aside as he read the note she had brought. He was not expecting anything like this. With a much better mood then he was expecting to have, he, Ron and Hermione went on their way to potions.

* * *

"While you are all working, please leave your homework on your table and I will collect it." Snape told the class.

"WHAT?!" Came loudly from across the room. Had he not been looking directly at Harry, Snape still would have known it had come from him.

"Do we have a problem, Potter?" He asked as he made his was over to the table Harry was working at.

"The homework!" Harry had a panic stricken look on his face.

"Let me guess: you didn't do it. Correct?"

"No! No, Sir! I did it!"

"Then what is the problem, Potter?"

"Well, you... well, Sir... you said to _do_ the work!"

"That's correct. So what is the problem?"

"You never... you never said anything about _writing it down _and _giving it to __you_!!"

"....." Snape ~twitch~

* * *

"I am in NO MOOD!"

The entire class went deathly quiet. It would be one thing for Snape to speak to a student in this manner. But quite another for a student to speak to Snape in this manner... even the boy-who-lived.

"I beg your pardon, Mr. Potter?" Snape asked in his most icy and dangerous voice.

"You heard me, Snape." Harry spat back. "I was up all night saving all your butts again, and no one... NOT ONE PERSON thanks me! Well, never again! Next time, you can all FRY!"

Harry stormed over to his table, and threw his bag so hard onto the table, that it slid the entire length and fell off the other side.

When Harry saw Snape coming around for homework, he honestly didn't think Snape was going to ask for his, and felt disappointed. He was still supposed to ask, no matter what mood Harry was in.

"POTTER!" Snape all but yelled in his ear.

"Ahhhhhhhh!" Harry had not been expecting that. He jumped in the air, throwing his ingredients into the air, all of them landing in his potion, which had been the perfect clear the directions said it should have been, and quickly turned it into a sickly green. Harry had just ducked under the table seconds before the loud ~BOOM~ of his potion exploding.

"LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID!" Harry yelled at Snape. For a moment Snape must have forgotten himself as he looked as though he were about to apologize, then he quickly caught himself.

"POTTER! Clean up this mess. I want your homework, NOW!"

"I didn't do your damn homework!"

"Why not? What happened this time?!"

"Didn't you see the flash of the nuclear explosion last night?"

"....no?"

"I was duct taping the school windows shut. ALL OF THEM!"

"......"

"There was no... no nuclear explosion... was there?"

".....no...."

* * *

"Sir?" Harry asked as Snape stood before him during the next potions class, hand extended. "Are you quite alright? I know you don't wish to hold my hand."

That had to desired effect. Snape quickly pulled his hand back, as though frightened the boy may, in fact, do just that.

"I want your homework, POTTER, NOW!" He barked, quite reminiscent of Harry's uncle.

"But..." Harry put an innocent look on his face, and glanced at his fellow classmates as though looking for help, then looked back at his fuming teacher. "Didn't you see the clock tower last night?"

Snape was not expecting that.

"The clock tower?"

"Yes."

"What about it?"

"There were two lights."

"SO?"

"So?"

"Yes, SO? Who cares if there were two lights?!"

"Er, well, if I'm not mistaken, it means the British are coming... by sea."

"...."

"I was watching for them."

"............"

"No time to do homework."

".."

"You know, one if by land, two if by sea. The British are com- oh wait."

"...."

"We're the British, huh?"

~SLAM~Snape's head actually bounced when he slammed it onto his desk.

"Sir?"

"......."

"Do you need some ice?"

* * *

"At some point." Harry spoke. "I must have lost the parchment."

"I didn't know teachers could give teachers detention." Hermione said in a tiny voice.

"They can when said teacher steals the other teachers wands." Came Snape's triumphant voice from the doorway.

* * *

As always R&R please!

:)


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